true dear diary

I think this will be my first post in a true dear diary fashion. Might be tmi, might be helpful.

Dear Diary,

Today I had my first mammogram & ultra-sound. I'd heard about this my whole life. I know they've been getting the word out for years about the importance of mammograms after 40, the importance of early detection, the importance of being aware. And, as you know dear diary, I'm not after 40, not by a long shot but this was necessary.

No, nothing's wrong, just going on the advice of several doctors as a preventative measure. All the specialists agree, though my former gynecologist does not. Then again, I never really liked him. I like my current gynecologist, but you already know that.

Alright, I'll get to the point of this entry, all the stuff they don't tell you about mammograms.

What they do tell you
You're asked to disrobe before you talk to the doctor.

What they don't tell you:
You can ask to see the doctor before you disrobe.

What they do tell you:
You'll be smooshed.

What they don't tell you:
Your boobs will be handled like foreign objects by a technecian.

What they do tell you:
The denser your breast tissue, the more difficult it is to see anything.

What they don't tell you:
An ultra-sound brings the odds highly into your favor to see if anything is amiss.

What they do tell you:
To follow them out of the xray room into the ultra-sound room.

What they don't tell you:
That you'll be making this trek half naked wearing only an open paper shirt, carrying your clothes, purse and dignity down the hall.

What they do tell you:
To lie down, what the ultra-sound entails, exactly what they're doing.

What they don't tell you:
That you'll be covered in ultra sound goo when you meet and talk with the doctor again.

What they tell you:
That there's soap, water, paper towels and wet wipes to get all the goo off before getting dressed.

What they don't tell you:
That they'll stand there working until you ask them to leave;

That even after you leave they'll knock and walk right back into the room when you're half-naked and washing up after a humbling experience, telling you that they need to use the computer;

That you can tell them to leave the room, to give you a minute to clean up and compose yourself;

That this is going to be an emotionally draining experience, having one of the parts of your body that defines you as a woman, that earns you attention, comprises part of puberty and motherhood, just the fright that could all be taken away with one oddity on a computer screen;

That one of the most private, intimate parts of your body is "handled" while you're half-naked by several different people as their job...no kindness, no understanding, just work, like I would shuffle paper;

That you're going to feel like a moron 'cause this shouldn't be a big deal but it is;

That you're going to feel vulnerable and off-kilter.