I Think I Need Help

Ok, this is an actual email, I just sent. No, not only did I send this to a friend of mine, but it was saved in drafts because I couldn't finish it yesterday.

First, that fighting eel tshirt dress is a crap copy of the original 3.1 Philip Lim dress that's living on my wall right now. (The dress I told you that lives at Cusp and I have no earthly reason to own it, but its cute to look at.)

Second, I own the mary janes that charactature is wearing and I would so not wear them with navy blue; but maybe that's just me and my need for any excuse to wear my silver/grey prada heels. (BTW, thank doG they stopped using the skanky models)

Third, I'd like to meet the girl who's going to wear a high heel on a necklace. Seriously.

Ok, I think its reasonable to say that I'm getting WAY too worked up by an email I was sent ( a list I subscribe to BTW) by a fairly fashionable website. I mean, I was annoyed by what I saw on the screen. And, the really sad part is that this is the second time in a week this has happened.

I saved the latest issue of Vogue so that I could bore you dear readers with my amusement at an article written about the Go International line at Target. (They were talking about Proenza Shouler being the next guest design team for the line. In case you were wondering, their segment is due in stores February. I can't wait!) I found it amusing that I live for a line of clothing that is designed for, wait for it, that's right, 18-24 year olds. So, I was saving the article so that I could quote it properly.

Seriously, I need help. Either that or I'm obviously in the wrong profession.

MySpace Madness

Its an odd thing Myspace. I can go months without logging in and then the one time I finally do, I check it three times a day looking at and for people. I'm hoping this phase passes quickly. I stay busy enough with tmz, perez, crazy aunt purl, and cnn. I really don't need other sites I'm vaguely addicted to.

I guess I'm into myspace more now because of the comedy thing. I'm not the most gifted at the music thing. I mean, I dig it but I'm horrid at remembering which band did what song on what album and I'm now old enough to demand seats or a backstage pass for the huge multi-band stadium shows. I'm sorry the whole sitting in the grass for 10 hours in 100+ degree heat to pay $5 for a small bottle of water to see one hit wonder bands is just so over for me. (I know, I know "Get Off My Lawn!!") So, the comics speak to me more than the random musicians trying to be discovered. Besides, its fun to randomly find people you've known in one life or another.

A Crime I Didn't Commit

Things you may not know about me:

1. I hate to clean my bedroom. And, I usually won't unless someone is literally flying in to see me. I blame this on having a housekeeper when I was growing up. I'd make a mess, go to school and magicly everything would be clean when I would come home. I think I'm still waiting for the magic to happen.
2. My closet is organized by color then style. My cd's are organized by type then artist. You would never know this by looking at my room.
3. I'd rather spend money on clothes than food.
4. Grocery shopping is usually dictated by coupons. (See No. 3 above.) I rock them so hard that I only spent $28 on my mother's Thanksgiving shopping list including the turkey. We're talking turkey, stuffing, veggies, salad fixin's, milk, and cereal (for me, not for Tday). Seriously, I rule.
5. I gave up my personal trainer instead of giving up the trainer for my dog.
6. I have subscriptions to W, Vogue, Vanity Fair, Bazar, Lucky, Martha Stewart Living, Everyday Food, Real Simple, and Oprah. (I'm letting Oprah go. I've had enough of her.)
7. I'll rearrange dinner plans for Heroes and Grey's Anatomy but I'm willing to miss America's Next Top Model.
8. I don't buy myself jewelry unless forced.
9. I approach sample sales with a strategy.
10. I'm moderately obsessed with Ziploc bags of all sizes. (snack size, XXL, you name it, I own it.)

By Popular Demand

The craptastic photos. Ok, well, not all of the craptastic photos, just a select few.

Enjoy!

A Shout-Out to the Short Fat Man

Dear Short Fat Man walking into the gym tonight,

I know you didn't ask for any advice and are not looking for my opinion but I think your mirror at home needs a slight adjustment. I'm glad you have enough self-esteem to walk into a gym filled with hotties in a sleeveless muscle shirt and shorty shorts, but its just wrong. Just so you know, as a rule, if you're under 5'10 and over 200lbs, you shouldn't wear shorty shorts and a sleeveless top. If you can't see your shoes, you shouldn't be modeling fitted workout clothes. As fabulous as those pale legs look in the florescent light, as amazing as you think that sleeveless designer work-out shirt makes you look, seriously, keep it at home and wear the usual baggy tshirt and shorts. Hell, make them out of the dri-weave fabric, that's cool. Just let the clothes be big enough to leave a little to the imagination. Chicks dig that.

Sincerely,
-J

In my quest to take over the world

or at least improve my little piece of it, I've been buying and reading books about stuff I want to do. The latest victim is a wee book on blogging called No One Cares What You Had For Lunch . So, with that in mind, you can let me know how the blog is going with the new ideas. If the blog is still boring, we can blame the book. I wouldn't be my fault or the fact that I'm not a professional writer or anything. (Not that I'm comparing my blog to people who can actually write. Nope. Not at all.) Its just always important to have people to blame that aren't you. (My the things you learn as an only child...Oh, the wisdom I can impart to the world!)

****

If Princess ruled the world, her birthday would be a national holiday. The week between Christmas and New Years is pretty much a wash anyways. So, why not make December 30th a national holiday?

Princess Day sounds like a damn fine day to Princess. She wouldn't have to take that day as a vacation day and if your employer *cough, cough* closed up shop and pulled vacation days out of your accrual, Princess Day wouldn't be one of those days and that would be good. Its not like you're actually working that week. No one is around, and for the sad few who are around, you're chatting about what you got from Santa and trying to plan New Years. So, if it were a National Holiday, you could do that from the comfort of your own home.

Princess likes this idea.

A Quick Vacation from Maui

B posed the challenge.

I reply:

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

Spooky, eh?

Why I love Maui

Sure, I could go with the intense beauty; I could go with the friendly people; I could go with fabulous weather; I could go with a great hotel; I could go with happy beaches or even the waterslides.

I'm going with used hotel furniture.

The loading dock for the hotel, or at least one of them, is next to the guest self-parking lot. On day 4 of our trip they were unloading a shipping container of brand new mattresses (always a good sign.) On day 5 of our trip they were loading that same container with furniture they were obviously done with. We were told they had recently completed a remodel so we weren't so surprised to see the furniture leaving. We didn't think much of it other than, huh, nice armoires, and went on with our day.

On day 6 of our trip were about a half an hour from our hotel returning our set of rental golf clubs and on the corner, next to this particular mini-mall, was a hand-written sign with only one word and a price.

"armoires $50"

As we passed the truck we noticed that it had the same shipping container on it that was parked outside our hotel. Sure enough, there were the armoires we watched them load up. There were about 5 trucks in various conditions from a BMW X5 to a beater pick-up parked there loading up their merchandise.

I don't know why but I thought that was so cool. I mean, it makes sense. The hotel is done with the furniture. They're paying someone just to get rid of it. And in the easiest and quickest way anyone could think of, off the furniture goes thanks to a hand-written sign on a piece of cardboard on the side of road.

Though, I must admit, if not for the shipping cost, I totally would have picked one up for 50 bucks.

A Whole New Level of Bad

When I travel I take an obscene number of pictures. I take pictures of everywhere I eat, everywhere I stop, everywhere I stay. I take pictures of funny signs, cute dogs and funny looking people. To the untrained eye, its very random, but in my little world, it makes perfect sense. The pictures serve as my journal. The whole a-picture-is-worth-a-thousand-words thing, ya know.

Usually.

So, as I'm sure you've guessed by now, I just got back from Maui. And, as per my usual, within 24 hours of landing back in the motherland, I had my 7 rolls of film developed. I just love my CVS. My CVS rocks. Seriously. Everyone should hit this CVS in Westwood. The photo kids there are just super sweet. And I do actually mean that. They treat me very well. But that didn't help my film. When I told the nice girl behind the counter that my pictures were craptastic, she thought I was kidding. Hell, even I thought I was kidding.

Holy crap do my pictures suck. I mean, there are a few good ones. But really, as a whole, my pictures are really bad. Its rather sad since normally I take good pictures...not great mind you, just good. But good is just peachy, at least for me. But these are just horrid. The underwater ones are crap, all three rolls (again with two or three that are quite cute). My camera picked a lovely time to die during the most scenic part and of course most remote part of the trip. I mean, there wasn't a Target or Kmart for MILES. So, the pics I did get are with a near dead battery so that didn't go so well. So yeah. Seven rolls of pictures taken in one of the most beautiful places on earth and they just suck.

Well, at least I had a good time. I guess I should start keeping a journal again, eh?

Things They Don't Tell You Before Going to Maui

But you absolutely need to know...

1. You MUST have a rental car. No matter where you stay on the island, it will not be near the airport. And, if you want to go anywhere on the island other than your hotel, you'll absolutely need the car.

2. All parking spots were measured with a Mini Cooper. No matter how sub-compact your car may seem, it will not fit comfortably into the spot. And, if you're lucky enough to rent a Pontiac G6, you won't have the turning radius to get into the spot.

3. Do NOT participate in the bicycle ride down the volcano. There are a number of companies that provide this service to the HUNDREDS of people who find the idea appealing. These people are now to be known as Nimrods On Bicycles (NOB's for short). The early group who want to see the sunrise from above the clouds are picked up from their hotel around 2am. That's just wrong to begin with. And, here's the part they don't tell you. NOBs ride 20 miles down the volcano through a residential neighborhood. That's right. The first 10 miles NOBs are LEAVING the park they just spent HOURS getting to, and then for the second 10 miles they're in some poor guy's neighborhood. For the rest of us, we drive through the neighborhood to get to the national park to the top of amazing volcano into which we then hike or ride horses. NOBs ride back down the mountain in a pack wearing blue moon suits and full face helmets. So, it is possible that the NOBs never see the amazing volcano they're riding down. Oh, and people get really hurt doing this. BAD.

4. All food in Maui is expensive. Now, I know this seems like a no-brainer, but it isn't. I live in L.A. I understand the cost of food. I've traveled to NYC, London, Rome, Madrid and Paris and seriously, Maui is probably worse. Here's why...in all of the previously mentioned cities, yummy cheap food is pretty easy to find. This is not the case in Maui. Apparently restaurants come and go so quickly that there are no good guides to food. So, you're sort of trapped by wherever you happen to be when you're hungry. Driving down the road to see if you can find something really doesn't apply to Maui.

5. You need board shorts and a swim top. If you want to try surfing, you need shorts, the longer the better. And, really, since you're going to suck in the beginning, you're going to want a shirt of some sort to keep you from getting board rash. (<--- probably not the technical term, but you get the idea.) Besides, both will come in handy for snokeling since the water can get a wee bit chilly.

6. Maui is much bigger than it appears to be. Combine that with small-ish roads and you're not going anywhere too quickly. So, if you need to be someplace at a certain time, give yourself a HUGE cushion.

7. Cel service is much better than I expected. And, in addition to that, there's an odd amount of pay phones available. That was comforting.

8. Activities (horseback riding, surfing, snokeling, etc...) are pretty spendy but if you do your research on the known companies, the money is very well spent. When I looked into different things to do on the island I was sticker shocked. But, after parting with the cash, I can honestly say I was never disappointed.

9. Time share pitches are everywhere. I've never seen anything like it. Seriously. Its everywhere. Literally. Its at your hotel. Its in the restaurant. Its in the parking lot. And I don't just mean mentions of time shares or ads for the time shares, I mean people selling time shares. This must be a serious business 'cause there are hundreds of people just in the small areas we were in pitching these. And yes, all the signs for $19 luaus are by the time share folks.

10. Leave the hair products at home. You'll either be in and out of the water or dashing off to dinner with no time to blow dry. No one cares about your 'do. You shouldn't either.

Music has its place

Ok, I'm the first to admit that I dig music: I have opinions on it; I have an unnatural obsession with soundtracks; I suck at naming songs and bands; I sing the wrong words; I play the radio too loud in the car; I openly abuse my iPod. Music at home is great, music at work is a requirement, music in the car is non-negotiable, but music on the web is SO not welcome.

Remember the old days when you'd land on someone's homemade website and they'd have some cheesy font and some horrid ring-tone of a song playing in the background? We'd laugh, we'd put the speakers on mute and we'd think, how quaint. Well, that quaintness is smacking me with a vengeance.

I love "Grey's Anatomy" and read the writer's blog religiously but I rarely visit the site because of the theme song that would always scare the crap out of me and alert my office mates that I wasn't working at that exact second. Not cool. Let me enjoy my McDreamy, let me look at the clothes in the last episode in peace, d*mn you! ABC web people listen up - make the lambs stop screaming and make the theme song stop playing!

Ok, fine. I've trained myself to turn off the speakers before hitting the main show page. But, that's the extent of my training. Tonight, I'm skanking around the internet (yeah, 'cause that's how I roll on a Saturday night), listening to Law & Order, seeing what the kids are up to on MySpace and holy crap, every time I find myself on someone's profile (not one of my friends mind you), I'm being attacked by music. Annoying music. So not cool.

I have one exception. People who have music streaming & available on the web and let you decide if you want to listen to it, yeah, they're cool. Seriously.

Those of you who take my freedom of choice away from me, you suck. Stop it.

Dead or Celebrity

Technically not a celebrity sighting but funny nonetheless. This actually happened. Names have been changed 'cause I don't know who the hell was on the elevator with me.

Scene: Elevator up to floors 35 - 42
Time: 1pm
Characters: Jenna, the fabulously dressed paralegal, back completely ON TIME from lunch; short plump HR dude with a HUGE stack of Laker tickets in hand fanning them about; young HR Lacky trying way too hard to be professional

Open scene: Jenna steps onto the elevator followed by HR dude and lacky. Jenna settles into the back corner of the elevator and sighs when she sees Lacky press the button for the floor below her.

HR dude: [While checking Blackberry and putting away cel phone] Any phone calls? [fanning HUGE stack of Laker tickets because no one would have noticed the HUGE stack of Laker tickets if he didn't do this.]

Lacky: No, its been pretty quiet.

-pause-

HR dude: Did you see Brian Wilson just now?

Lacky: [Upbeat tone] No, I must have missed him.

-pause-

HR dude: Do you know who Brian Wilson is?

Lacky: Uh... [pondering furiously]

Jenna: I know who Brian Wilson is. [laughing at the poor lacky who just got called out.]

-pause-

Arrive at HR dude & Lacky floor. As the doors close, voiceover....

HR dude: You really don't know who Brian Wilson is? Beach Boys? [voice trails off]