An Open Letter to Betsey Johnson

Dear Betsey,

I just want to start this by telling you how much I love you. You're the first designer I understood, the first whose designs I could spot on the streets, in the stores and in magazines without a label or a headline. The pieces I'm lucky enough to own I wear until they fall apart; literally, the material shreds after years of use and love.

I appreciate the strides you've made in the last few years in accessories. My favorite shoes bear your label, I covet your purses and now enjoy your hosiery. And it is that hosiery that brings me to you today.

I willingly spent a small fortune on your latest line of hosiery. The black tights with the hearts in the weave of the material and a second pair of plain opaque with a small rhinestone heart on the hip are fabulous. I finished this trifecta with the cutest gray over the knee socks. You know, the ones with the red accents and the rose on the back. However, after just a few minutes, they began to fall down. Tackiness, instead of cuteness raided my Monday. I had to run to Fredericks for a garter belt to save the injustice to my outfit. Thankfully, once this wrong was righted I was able to enjoy the socks, thorns and vines and all.

I write this as a veteran of over the knee, or thigh high socks. I have enjoyed them since the mid 90's and I am pleased that you have allowed me to continue the trend. I know you understand this look, this joie de vivre of socks. I implore you, add more elastic to your over the knee socks. Allow them to stay up. Allow us to enjoy your fashions and walk freely without fear of quick falling socks.

xoxo,

Jenna

A Shout-Out to the Short Fat Man

Dear Short Fat Man walking into the gym tonight,

I know you didn't ask for any advice and are not looking for my opinion but I think your mirror at home needs a slight adjustment. I'm glad you have enough self-esteem to walk into a gym filled with hotties in a sleeveless muscle shirt and shorty shorts, but its just wrong. Just so you know, as a rule, if you're under 5'10 and over 200lbs, you shouldn't wear shorty shorts and a sleeveless top. If you can't see your shoes, you shouldn't be modeling fitted workout clothes. As fabulous as those pale legs look in the florescent light, as amazing as you think that sleeveless designer work-out shirt makes you look, seriously, keep it at home and wear the usual baggy tshirt and shorts. Hell, make them out of the dri-weave fabric, that's cool. Just let the clothes be big enough to leave a little to the imagination. Chicks dig that.

Sincerely,
-J